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A Note To A Mother

You know, it’s been a really long time since I’ve written one of these, but I do think this decade probably calls for it ~ so I’m going to do it…


Well today you turned 30. That’s some crazy stuff isn’t it?

It seems like yesterday we were just meeting, two stupid teens without any goals in life.

And look at you now…

As I just texted you, your Golden Years are now upon you.

I know you know that I don’t believe much in the 12-Step systems, but I do believe in the apology part, the “amends” as your mother told me.


…and I know that I sent you an apology the other day, I’ve been doing that for a few people.

But out of anybody in my life, you probably deserve something more above anybody else.

You are the mother of my child.


You were my first love…

You have always been one of my closest friends (despite differences in between)…

You have been a central pillar to so many peoples lives…


And what have I been (to you)?

I don’t know, I don’t really know how to answer that…


When we first met, I felt that I was somewhat present…

At some point, something changed in me. I’m still trying to identify that.

For sure depression, at some point. For sure substances, as well.

Whatever the case, it caused me to be absent for a very long time.

It caused me to cause you very much pain, I am sure.

My mind reflects to the time you pretty much scraped me off the street half-dead at your work, with nobody else to turn to.


Several times…

No questions were asked…

Pure hospitality…

Your hospitality…

Because that’s how you are with people, you care about people.

Your love for people is boundless…

Always remember to have that love for yourself as well.

I think sometimes in life it’s hard to remember to do that, I sure know it’s been hard to do that for myself, at least.


Never lose that flicker in your eye, and never lose that boundless love that you have for everything, be it people, animals, nature…

Anything…

That is a quality that is extremely rare to find…

Your husband is incredibly lucky.


This recovery thing is incredibly hard, I’m not gonna lie.

I put on this huge smiling face for everybody that I know, but sometimes real late at night, like right now at 2am…

The rebound anxiety starts to manifest, and I just get these really obtrusive anxious thoughts in my mind that are really hard to shake.

Today was especially hard, I was looking more into it and I think I’m going through what you would call a “wave”.

This really sucks, it’s been four months purely detoxed off them now, but I know benzodiazepine recovery can take a long time.

Especially from 14 intermittent years…

I miss the days when I could just send you a text message, but I know that would be a very over-toned topic now at this point in time…

But I’m pushing through.

I can do this.


I *will* do this recovery…

Our son deserves a father that can be there for him…

Our son has a father that wants to be there for him…

Unfortunately, my brain has some faulty wiring.

It has taken me a long time to come to terms with the fact that this is how I am.

For the longest time, I have known it in the back of my head, but accepting this has made me think that I would be much less of a person.

“Fuck that guy, he’s just an addict”

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard that in my life, not about me, but in general.

And I know of a few people out there that have been slandering me like this as well…

But I know that my brain is just as such…

So I am going to have to learn to properly live with it, before I severely mess up my life…

I think that I am taking the right steps, as of now.


I’m going to be the sober person you used wish I could be…

But I’m not doing it for you.

I used to think that’s what I needed to do…

Because like you said long ago, I think that I was confusingly in love with the thought of you…

I’m doing this instead for myself, and for my son.

I am so incredibly sorry for everything that I ever did to wrong you in my past.

I know that I will never be able to properly make up for it.

There is simply too much that I know that I probably did, to even begin to make a start.

But I hope that this can count.

To put it simply, you are an incredible person.

I am very honored, to have you in my life…

Happy birthday, to a very special mother.


-Bells


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